


Harder To Breathe

by SaraJaye



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia
Genre: Choking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Failed First Time, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Kidnapping, Panic Attacks, Post-Game(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Repression, Spells & Enchantments, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 14:06:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15341463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye
Summary: She seems so far away even though she's right beside him, memories burn behind his eyes, and he can't breathe.





	Harder To Breathe

Someone's touching him- _Celica's_ touching him, and it should be the most exciting moment of his life. But even the lightest caress feels like fire raking across his skin, makes his stomach constrict.

He's just nervous, he tries to tell himself. It's their first night together, they've never-

 _She's never, but you have, haven't you?_ He wills the voice in his head to be silent. He's not there, this is different, this is supposed to feel good. Supposed to be the best night of his life.

_Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, in, out in, outinoutinoutinout-_

-suffocating darkness, bitter perfume, sharp nails, glowing eyes, soft taunts in his ear-

_inoutinoutinoutinoutinout-_

"Alm." He recognizes the voice, but she seems so far away even as her hands move lower and lower on his chest. He can barely see for the memories burning behind his eyes, bands tighten around his head and his throat. Celica's hand moves down his abdomen, towards his groin, and something in him takes hold as he pushes her away from him.

_"Don't touch me!"_

"Alm." The bands suddenly loosen, his vision clears, and he's back in the present. Celica's looking at him with frightened eyes, and he instantly regrets.

"Celica, I'm-"

"Alm." Her robe's fallen open, her bare breasts on display, and instead of relishing in the sight all he can remember is being forced up against another pair. He takes in several lungfuls of air, his breaths practically dry sobs. Celica very slowly reaches for his hands, and he lets her take them.

"I'm sorry," he gasps, "I'm sorry..." She's quiet for a moment, and her gaze goes from frightened to concerned. She lets him regain his breath, holding his hands, one of hers gradually moving to touch his cheek.

"What happened, Alm?" He wants to tell her it's nothing, brush it off as him being scared like anyone would be when they were about to-

_but you're not about to lose it, not to her, not when it was already taken from you, what would Celica think if she knew you were-_

"I'm sorry." _Breathe in, breathe out._ She lets go of his hand, lets the other drop from his cheek.

"What happened, Alm?" she asks again. _Who did this to you?_ He closes his eyes, swallows, struggles to keep his breathing even. When he looks at her again her robe is closed, and she's carefully reaching for his hand again.

"It was on Fear Mountain," he begins.

 

_It's dark in her abode, save for the candles lining the walls. He's waking up on a bed as hard as stone, and he can't move._

_"Oh, good, the little sleeping spell I cast has worn off," she purrs. "Not that it would make any difference, I can just as easily take what I need from you either way. But it's more **fun** if you're awake."_

_"Let me go." He struggles against what he guesses is another spell, he doesn't see a single rope or chain holding him down. The bonds tighten, and he gasps in pain._

_"It will be easier if you don't struggle." She drops her skimpy rope to the floor, and his stomach lurches._

_"Y-you wouldn't-"_

_"When I said I would claim the essence of a Brand Bearer, I meant **all of him.** I'm going to have a little fun with you before I deliver you to Duma." He feels sick as she straddles him, a snap of her fingers dissolving his clothes, her hand reaching between his legs. "Don't worry, if you keep still and don't talk back, this won't hurt much."_

_"S-stop! **Stop it** , don't touch me, let me **go-!** " He can't move, his sword's nowhere in sight, screaming in protest is the only thing he can do until he feels her other hand grip his throat._

_"What did I just tell you?" She whispers something and lets go of his throat; when he next tries to protest, there's just silence. "That's a good boy."_

_And he goes limp, because there's nothing else he can do at this point. She takes him into her, leans down to crush her chest to his face, whispers in his ear. **How does it feel, to know you'll be sacrificed to Duma? To know that all you've fought for, everything you've done will be for nothing? You've failed, boy. Your friends, your soldiers, everyone will die, because you were weak.**_

_She's riding him, and he knows it doesn't matter if he releases. So he holds back, ignores the painful heat surrounding him, bites his lip, closes his eyes. She lets loose with a primal scream just as the door breaks down and Alm slips mercifully into unconsciousness._

 

"I locked away that memory. I had to press on, it was a miracle they managed to find me before she could sacrifice me. I think...some of them knew, but..." He closes his eyes. "We had to keep going. I wouldn't let anyone bring it up, and eventually we all just...moved on."

"Oh, Alm..." She's pale and near tears, her hand gripping his so tightly her knuckles are white. He swallows, willing himself not to start crying.

"I thought I could just... _keep_ it buried there. Until it disappeared."

"How did you go through everything else you did after that? Your father, Lord Berkut, Lady Rinea..."

"It gets easy to forget after you've buried something deep enough." He laughs bitterly. "After a while it was like it never happened, or like it was just some dream I had."

"You should have told me," she gently scolds, stroking his face. "If I'd known, I would have waited until you were _ready_ to go through with this."

"I didn't want to ruin our first night." He shakes his head. "Gods, I feel so...so..." _Pathetic. Tainted. Weak._ "Even now I feel like I can still smell her on me, I see her when I close my eyes."

"Alm..." She moves to hold him, only to back off and keep her grip on his hand. "I wish I knew what to say. I guess...I understand why you didn't want to talk to _anyone_ about it, even me. I wish I _had_ actually been trapped there so I could have at least-" She shakes her head. "Even if it hadn't been me that stopped her, I wish you hadn't had to go through this at all."

"I felt tainted." It sounds pathetic of him to say so, but it's the truth. "You're the only one I wanted to be with like that, I felt like I'd been _unfaithful_ , like you wouldn't want to be with me anymore if you knew I'd been used. That I'd been weak enough to _let_ her use me."

"The only thing that upsets me is that you were hurt." She touches his cheek again, this time letting her hand remain there. "That you've _been_ hurting all this time."

He leans into her touch, blinking back the tears threatening to fall.

"I wish I could make it better. That there was anything I could say or do right now, to make all of this go away."

"I wish you could, too."

"Can I..." She hesitates. "May I hug you?"

He nods, and she draws him into her embrace, guiding his head to her shoulder. He buries his face in the fabric of her robe, and for the first time in years, he cries for himself and his own pain. Celica is warm, her hands are soft and her nails neatly trimmed.

"You're not alone. Even if you never tell another soul, you're not going through this alone." Her embrace tightens, and he feels the weight slowly lift from him.

It will be a long time before he truly feels it, but he knows he's safe.


End file.
